The Playful Girlfriend: Silly Games, Real Intimacy

There are aspects of long-term relationships that sometimes remind me of the most uncomfortable moments from a horror film. And no, I’m not talking about blood and gore (those should not be featuring in your relationship unless you are both consensually very into that!).

What I’m talking about is the discomforting quiet.

That charged and heavy quiet.

Two people who interact with each other almost totally normally, except for a slight deadness behind their eyes. They’ve become strangers to one another, they interact without really seeing one another, they’ve learned to hide from each other in plain sight.

To the outside world, they almost pass as normal and happy, but to anyone attuned, there is something a little off… something palpably missing.

Relationships don’t need screaming, slammed doors or any kind of overt unpleasantness in order to die.

Sometimes it’s more of the haunted house horror movie… the lights are still on and things look ok, but actually there’s no one home. Two people just start to slow fade out of intimacy.

In my work, I see this over and over.

Often, I’m the last resort.

Often, the couple has first decided to try to fix things by incessantly talking to each other (either in therapy or in pseudo therapy speak they learned from Instagram).

But you can’t talk yourself out of an intimacy fade-out. Intimacy requires you to show up in an embodied and sometimes silly way.

Being playful is a radically vulnerable act, it’s vulnerable as heck. It also may not feel even remotely accessible, or natural, which is why I sometimes recommend some rather silly (but surprisingly profound) card games that can do what a hundred earnest conversations couldn’t. I have a number of these in my office and play them with clients frequently. (My favorite is currently a card deck that gives people funny ways to touch each other, like “squeeze me as if I’m a mango you are trying to decide whether to buy or not”.

Adults these days seem to have forgotten how to play. Not only have they forgotten how to play, they don’t even know what COUNTS as play anymore, so bombarded are we by adverts telling us that play is all manner of things that cost a ton of money in a fancy location often involving wine. Sigh.

It’s not that you can’t be playful on a spa weekend in Napa, you probably could if you put yourself in the right mindset, but it’s entirely unnecessary to go somewhere expensive and/or do something grandiose to get the playfulness back. Being playful in a relationship comes down to rather small things.

It might be the funny voice you do for the cat. Or the ritual of racing each other to the car. Or a ridiculous private language that means nothing to anyone else and everything to the two of you.

In nervous-system terms, and I promise this is the most clinical I’ll get, play only switches on once your body has decided it’s safe.

You can’t be silly and braced for a blow at the same time.

So when the silliness leaves a marriage, I sometimes find it’s because your body is in a state of stress and anxiety. It’s pretty much impossible to be stressed and playful simultaneously.

Talking about intimacy uses the exact part of you that’s already stressed or anxious. The part that is already on alert, watchful, word-picking, and self-protective.

Play sneaks in through the side door and skips the bouncer completely.

And this isn’t just my hunch. A 2024 study out of the University of Southern California, written up in Psychology Today, followed 106 couples and found warmth and playfulness went with the couples who stayed together, while emotional withdrawal went with the ones who split.

Small, daft, warm gestures did more heavy lifting than the Big Serious Conversation ever managed.

There’s a second reason the silly stuff works, and it’s novelty.

Decades of “self-expansion” research, (documented in this 2025 paper in Behavioral Sciences) show that couples who do novel, slightly exciting things together instead of the same old routine feel less bored and noticeably closer.

Play is always novel, because it’s imaginative and free flowing. Because it’s not a pressured state. Because it involves laughter and sometimes snorting.

People who keep it playful, keep their intimacy burning hot and bright.

You can’t force playfulness, but you can jump start it. Sometimes couples are reluctant to try the games I have them play in my office. In those cases, I don’t push. Going through the motions with gritted teeth only reinforces the problem. Playfulness requires both willingness and openness, and for both partners to get a little vulnerable and decide to give something new and possibly silly a go.

Have you ever been to a Renaissance Faire? I love Ren Faire, because it’s full of adults, dressed up, playing a role, and often doing silly and undignified things. They’re brilliant. Fun, funny, entertaining. You can’t help but like Ren Faire people, they’re so endearing. If I had a choice to hang out with a bunch of accountants or a bunch of Ren Faire peeps, I’d choose the Ren Faire peeps every time. Because perfection, composure and stiffness is such an intimacy killer. Stop trying to be so proper, so buttoned up…

Card game intimacy works because the cards carry the awkwardness for you. You’re not baring your soul across a cold table, you’re answering a prompt, taking your turn, breaking a small rule. The structure does the brave bit so your nervous system doesn’t have to.

It doesn’t need to be fancy. Intimacy play cards, a question deck, a homemade stack of dares scrawled on the backs of old receipts, it’s all the same magic. A prompt lands, one of you answers more honestly than expected, and there you both are, leaning in, hopefully laughing.

The game gives you permission to get curious about a person you’d started to file under “known.” And that flicker of “oh, I didn’t know that about you” is gold.

When people ask me how to reconnect with a partner, they’re usually braced for a scheduled, painful Talk.

I prefer they take a gentler, more entertaining route. Pick something small and a bit silly and do it tonight: a game, a walk where you narrate strangers’ lives (that man is clearly off to ruin a wedding), a five-minute contest to make the other one laugh, or a good undignified skip down the pavement like you’re in a shampoo advert.

If you want the tidy version of how to reconnect with your partner, choose novelty over analysis, warmth over winning, and let the daft thing carry the weight. And if what’s flat between you is your body, the exhaustion, the pain, a libido that’s wandered off somewhere and not left a note, that deserves a real, unhurried conversation too.

You can even find a doctor who’ll come to you, so you’re not reciting your symptoms under the strip-lights of a waiting room.

You may feel that you left your playfulness behind in your childhood, but I’m here to tell you, that’s simply not the case. Your playfulness is there, it’s just probably buried under a pile of stress and anxious crap. Ever watched the movie Hook? I recommend it highly! Especially the food fight scene, that’s one of my favorites.

You don’t have to talk your way back to each other. You have to play your way back.

Get dressed up and go to a Ren Faire, do the stupid voice, deal the cards. Be the first one to laugh.

Does being playful improve a relationship, or is it just fun?

It helps, and there’s data to prove it. The 2024 University of Southern California study found warmth and playfulness went with couples who stayed together, while withdrawal went with the ones who split. So no, it’s not fluff, it’s one of the sturdiest things you can do.

What does playfulness in a relationship really mean?

Less than the adverts suggest, more than you’d think. It’s the private voices, the silly races, the shared nonsense language. Small, low-stakes moments where you stop bracing and start messing about. It’s your nervous system deciding it’s safe enough to be soft.

How do you reconnect with a partner when things feel flat?

Skip the summit meeting. Do something small and a bit novel tonight: a question game, a daft walk, a contest to make each other laugh. Novelty and warmth reopen closeness far faster than another earnest post-mortem on “us.”

Can a card game honestly bring you closer?

Yes, and it’s my favourite cheat. Card game intimacy lets the deck hold the awkwardness, so you answer a prompt instead of baring your soul cold. One honest turn leads to another, and you’re leaning in before you’ve clocked it.

Why do couples stop being playful over time?

Usually it isn’t indifference, it’s a tired, watchful body deciding the coast isn’t clear. Stress, exhaustion, and old fears about looking foolish switch play off. The good news: it switches back on the moment things feel safe again.

Is it too late to bring playfulness back into a long marriage?

Almost never. Playfulness in marriage isn’t a spark you’ve either got or you haven’t, it’s a muscle that’s gone a bit stiff. Start ridiculously small, be the first to be silly, and it comes back quicker than most people expect.

If you’d like a hand coaxing that playful girlfriend back down from the attic, this is exactly the work I do. Book a free discovery call.

What Playfulness Means (And It Isn’t a Spa Weekend)

Silly Beats Serious. Here’s Why…

Why pushing through is the worst possible plan

Warning: You May Have to Risk Looking A Little Daft

Card Game Intimacy: The Sneakiest Trick I Know

How to Reconnect With Your Partner Without a Summit Meeting

The Playful You is Still In There

The questions everyone whispers