The six dominant archetypes, and how each one holds power at work

The most useful thing I learned in a dungeon (cheaper than an MBA, and a much better dress code) is that authority comes in more than one flavour.

A woman who has spent twenty years keeping everything together often can’t fall apart properly until she’s certain someone competent has hold of the rest, so the tighter I hold the room, the further she lets herself go. That’s authority. So is teaching with enough patience that people feel generously treated, and so is making a decision without circulating it for comments first, and so is giving people a sense that what they’re doing matters past the end of the session.

Most of the women I work with are brilliant at one of these and use it for everything.

Six different women's gloves on burgundy silk, representing six archetypes of female authority at work

Come and see me in San Jose

On October 2nd I’m giving the closing keynote at the Women’s Networking Alliance Fall Mixer and Small Business Summit in San Jose. Their theme this year is Built to Last: Create a Business That Stands Strong, so mine is The Dominatrix Principle: What Power, Consent and Control Taught Me About Building a Business That Lasts. I’ll be talking about which archetype to reach for in which room, and how to stop haemorrhaging money in rooms where you’re the most qualified person there.

It runs nine till four at the Holiday Inn on North First Street, with vendor tables, sponsor spotlights and a raffle, plus a happy hour at the end for anyone still upright. Parking is free (in San Jose, which frankly deserves its own keynote). Any woman running a business can come, member or not. The organisers tell me mine is the session people are most excited about, and I’ve decided to enjoy that rather than interrogate it.

Bay Area women, come. Details and registration here.

One way of being in charge

Most women who run something have one way of being at work. She’s warm and accommodating, and she’s brilliant at reading a room and bending herself to fit it.

And it works, which is why it’s so hard to put down. That warmth built her reputation and her client list. So she brings it to every call and every meeting at the same volume, and can’t work out why the same problems keep landing on her desk and nobody else’s.

A frightened team needs something different from a client who’s trying it on, and a supplier who has blown two deadlines needs something else again. Meet all of them with the same energy and at least one walks away with something they had no business getting.

Niceness leaks money

Niceness drains a business in small, polite amounts that nobody writes down.

You state your price and keep talking, and then you tack “does that make sense?” on the end, which opens a negotiation nobody asked for, and then you offer a discount before anyone’s mentioned money, to spare them the awkwardness of asking, and then there’s the extra bit that wasn’t in scope that you said yes to because it was small and no felt rude, and the next small bit after that, and the email to the woman who owes you four grand that starts “sorry to chase!”, and the no you explained so thoroughly it went soft and turned into a maybe and, by the third email, a yes.

Each of those is you paying for someone else’s comfort. Add them up over a year and you’ve funded a fortnight in Crete you never went on.

The archetypes, and what they cost

In Domme Your Clients I teach dominant archetypes. Each is a proper strength, and each sends you a bill if it’s the only one you use.

The Mother loves fiercely and won’t look away from anything. She’s also the one whose session runs twenty minutes over, who answers the 9pm voice note at half nine, and whose invoice sits unchased for three weeks. I call that the Mother Tax, and it has a number.

The Teacher can make anything murky make sense. Give her a pause after the price, though, and she’ll fill it with a justification instead of holding the number. By the end of the call the client understands the work so well she goes off and does it herself.

The Authoritarian has exacting standards and gets people moving. Her clients also stop telling her the truth. They bring her the version of themselves that passes inspection, go compliant, and then disappear. (A woman who’s managing you won’t fill in your feedback form.)

People leave the Seductress’s sessions buzzing. The sales conversation goes so well that nobody states any terms, because terms would break the spell, so she books on chemistry and three weeks later finds herself enforcing a line she never drew.

Something happens in the Goddess’s sessions that nobody can quite explain. Then she waits, because naming a price feels like grabbing. Most of her would-be clients were waiting to be told what it costs, and they went to whoever told them.

The Queen has sovereignty and a standard that doesn’t budge. She also refuses to be seen wanting anything, so there’s no follow-up and no second ask, and nobody chases the invoice or the nearly-yes. Her income depends on other people being organised. (They mostly aren’t. Look around.)

You’ll have spotted yourself in there somewhere. The useful bit is working out what yours has cost you, and that usually comes out as a number. (There’s a quiz, if you’d rather find out that way than by doing your books.)

Too much, or not enough

Every woman reading this has been caught in the same pincer. Push and you’re difficult; soften and you’re a pushover who’ll take less if asked nicely. Between the two sits a narrow band you’re meant to hit perfectly for the rest of your career, and a whole advice industry makes good money teaching women to aim more precisely.

Perfecting one approach still leaves you with one approach, and people learn to predict it and work around it. Range is what changes things. Once a room has seen you hold a hard line, your warmth reads as something you chose to offer, and people treat it with a lot more respect.

The dungeon bit

The part that surprised me most is how well this travels.

Everything in that world runs on terms agreed in advance: what’s happening and what isn’t, how far and for how long, and a word that stops everything instantly, with nobody owed a reason or an apology. Everyone relaxes because of it. You can’t let go properly until you know exactly where the edges are.

Now look at how you take on a client. The scope is vague because pinning it down felt pushy, the payment terms are whatever she proposed, and there’s no agreed point at which you walk. So when the project bloats by forty percent you’ve got nothing to point to, and the conversation turns into one about your feelings instead of the agreement.

Most of you already know how to negotiate terms. You’ve just never done it for money.

Questions people ask

How do you appear more authoritative at work?

Drop the softening sentence. Say the thing and let the silence sit, without rushing in with “does that make sense?” or “no worries if not”. A lot of what people read as authority is a woman who has finished her sentence and isn’t waiting for anyone to approve it.

How do you become more assertive as a woman without being seen as difficult?

Build range instead of polishing one approach. Warmth lands completely differently from someone the room has watched hold a firm line, so the quickest way out of the difficult-or-pushover bind is to be visibly capable of both.

How do you stop being talked over in meetings?

Say less, and finish your sentences. Long, qualified sentences invite interruption because they sound like you’re still deciding. When someone does cut in, “I hadn’t finished”, said flatly with no smile attached, usually settles it.

What are the characteristics of feminine leadership?

Most lists stop at collaboration and empathy, which matter and cover a fraction of it. The leaders I see doing best can nurture someone who needs protecting and turn immovable the minute a line gets tested.

Why do women undercharge?

Most of them know the market rate perfectly well. The damage happens in the sentence after the number, usually a discount or a justification nobody requested. Say the price, then shut the fuck up.

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