Scheduling Sex, Yay or Nay?

A journalist from Buzzfeed recently interviewed me about “sex scheduling”, a practice in which couples schedule sex by putting it on the calendar and committing to it. You can read that article here, but here’s an expanded answer for you, my readers!

Question: Tell me a little bit about your experience discussing sex scheduling with patients/clients (in a general sense)? 

Usually if couples come to see me, one partner is frustrated with the amount of sex being had (or not had) in the relationship. They’re usually feeling a disconnect, an ennui, a boredom, a lack of fun between them.

*As an aside, I want to point out that it’s not always the man (in heterosexual relationships) who wants more sex, though often it is. This is not necessarily because men want sex more than women, but often women have more load on their shoulders; work, kids, the burden of having to plan all social activities. More seems to be expected of women in our modern society, so women are understandably tired and stressed. And tiredness and stress are arousal killers. But I also see this sexual discrepancy with my lesbian couples, and I also have several female clients with a higher sex drive than their male partners. So beware of generalizations on this front. *

We talk about workload, about stress, about who takes on more of the household work. Sometimes one partner will tell me they’re too busy or tired for sex, to which I always like to quote the brilliant Esther Perel: “if you’re too busy for sex, you’re too busy”. I agree with this 100%.

We make time for things that mean something to us. If you can make time to bring your kids to yet another swimming lesson or music class, or stay up late to watch something on Netflix, or listen to a podcast, or spend an hour a day on your peleton, you can find 20 mins for a quickie here and there if you make it a priority. And it doesn’t have to be every day (though inevitably I get the people who tell me they read in Cosmo or Men’s Health or wherever that if they can force themselves to have sex every day for 30 days they can rekindle their spark… to which I reply that you should never have to force yourself to do anything, let alone for 30 straight days.

But we don’t tend to hate on scheduling quite as much when a couple is trying to conceive a child, for example, so why do we think it’s weird without trying to conceive one? Why are we happy to make time for sex if it results in offspring, but not if it’s to increase our pleasure, our mutual connection, our playfulness or romance?

If you want more pleasure in your marriage, you need to have intent and be actively engaged in its pursuit with the same energy we give other parts of family life.

We set up playdates for our children, we channel endless amounts of energy into planning kids’ birthday parties and Halloween costumes and moms weekends. If we can schedule those things, why can’t we put the same amount of planning, effort and energy into sex and pleasure?

It’s only sex we seem to have this weird ambivalence towards, and it’s worth questioning why. We tell our kids that “only boring people are boring” but then we complain that our sex lives are boring without taking any creative steps to fix them. Eroticism, like every other family activity, has to be nurtured. Energy, time and even money should get devoted to it if we want it to be great.

If we can put other things on the calendar, why not sex? And don’t tell me it’s because you might not feel “in the mood”, because we might not feel “in the mood” for exercise or for shlepping kids to a birthday party either, but we put those things on the calendar and begrudgingly show up anyway!

Q: In your experience, what benefits can scheduling intimacy bring for couples, and what kinds of situations might you recommend it for?

I think scheduling sex can be REALLY hot. It’s like scheduling dates early on in a relationship, and no one complains about doing that! We look forward to it. We spend time thinking about it. The date is there on the calendar… the anticipation has time to build, there’s time to plan, to fantasize, to figure out what to wear, how the situation should unfold, how it could unfold. Our brains go CRAZY over uncertainty, and time gives us, well, time, to build some uncertainty. Couples can really have fun with it. Say there’s a date scheduled for 3 nights from now…. Maybe some sexting can happen between partners before then, maybe some suggestive whispers while one person is preparing the family breakfast, a secret wink on the morning of…. Maybe a lingering kiss and an “I can’t wait for tonight”. Maybe one partner comes back from the weekly grocery shop with a bottle of bubbly and smiles suggestively at their partner while putting it in the fridge along with the rest of the groceries. Anticipation is amazing for desire, and scheduling gives people time to use that build-up.

Q: What are some of the reasons a couple might be resistant to scheduling sex, and what response would you have for those reasons?

Ha, resistance is never about the scheduling. Couples may claim it is, but it’s not. If there’s resistance, it’s resistance to intimacy, not to scheduling intimacy. But they’ll pull out all kinds of excuses, like “It’s just not fun if it’s not spontaneous”, or “what if I’m not in the mood?” “What if I have a busy day and I’m tired?” “what if I have to work late?”

First of all, we plan vacations and we don’t think those are not fun if they’re not “spontaneous”. Are spontaneous holidays fun? Sure! But so are planned ones. And same goes for sex. Planning can be really sexy and fun (see above answer). Also, not being “in the mood” is not really an excuse. I’m not usually in the mood to do lots of things that I actually DO. Sometimes we get in the mood by making small steps to start something. You don’t have to rip each other’s clothes off straight away and get to it. So if you’re not ragingly horny on your scheduled sex date, no stress. Start with a nice massage, or a hot shower together, or some kissing on the couch, or a nice meal, or a decadent piece of chocolate, or pour yourselves a cocktail or whatever will ease you into the right mindset. Also, sex does not have to be PIV (penis in Vagina for the heteros) or any kind of penetration. Sex has a wide definition of acts, and it’s intimacy that’s the important part of this, so if you both have lovely sensual massages from each other, some hot kissing and then you fall asleep in each other’s arms, did you fail? Nope. Maybe one person would like to give oral and not necessarily want or need reciprocation. That’s perfectly legit. Maybe one person wants to watch the other masturbate, or maybe both masturbate side by side. That’s legit too. It’s eroticism, intimacy, playfulness and connection that matters. Not just whether someone sticks something inside you or experiences oragasm.

If you’ve had a busy day and you’re tired, imagine how yummy it is to have a sex date on the calendar where you can ask your partner to pleasure you, or themselves, without you having to exert much effort. Are we ever too tired for a massage? Or for someone to kiss their way down our back and thighs? Let your partner pamper you if you’ve had a tired, stressful day. It’s about pleasure… it doesn’t have to be the sex Olympics.

And what if you have to work late? Well, first of all, your job sucks if you consistently have to work late and missing date nights and second of all, your partner can pleasure you while you whip together that amazing powerpoint. Might get the creative juices flowing .

Q: What kind of mindset do you find people often have around the idea of scheduling intimacy?

Not a very creative one! Honestly, people are far more creative about their exercise schedule! Arm day, leg day, core day, cardio. But when it comes to sex it’s just… “we have to have sex tonight.” I’d like to see a bit more of that crossfit energy in the bedroom! Why not have a sex date that’s just about oral, or just about teasing, or “toy night” or flavored lube tasting and chocolate pairing? When you have time to plan, you have time to be creative.

Q: What’s the most common result that you would expect to see for couples who successfully implement some form of sex scheduling?

It depends on their mindset and reasons for doing it. If they go in with a positive and creative mindset, I expect they’ll have a ton of fun, even if they don’t end up having the classic version of “sex” on every date. I expect them to rediscover a playfulness and sense of fun with one another, to laugh more, to smile at each other more, to touch more, to sit closer together on the couch. Just like we get used to our exercise schedules and feel better in our bodies for it, couples tend to feel better if they’re getting more regular intimacy and connection time.

Q: Going beyond calendar alignment, what would you recommend couples who are thinking of scheduling sex keep in mind during the planning process?  

Don’t overschedule or try to be too ambitious. Scheduling 5 days a week is probably daunting for a couple that can go weeks without. Make it VERY manageable, and then make it even more manageable than that. It’s nice to have some build up time and anticipation too. Maybe don’t allow touching for a couple of days before the date to build tension… because not being allowed to do something often makes us want to do something. But like I said above, a sex date doesn’t mean you have to have sex… you just create the space and intimacy for it. If you have a sex date scheduled and you just eat chocolate pudding under a duvet together and laugh like naughty children, have you failed? Nah!

Q: What are some of the logistical or mental roadblocks that might pop up for couples who are planning to schedule sex for the first time?

Same as with a meditation schedule or an exercise schedule or a diet. Resistance, trying to find excuses, trying to find ways out of it. Notice when this resistance happens and show yourself and/or your partner compassion. What else can you do with the time that would feel intimate and connected? Can you start with a small intimacy and see how that feels? Maybe you’re really not feeling physical but you’re happy to have your neck kissed very lightly for 10 minutes. Maybe after those 10 minutes, you’ll want more. Or maybe you won’t, and that will still have been 10 minutes well spent. Presence is a precursor to intimacy and intimacy is a great way to kickstart desire. So just make a commitment to be present and you’re already half way to overcoming resistance.