How to Talk About Sexual Limits

Somatic sex educator, certified sexological bodyworker and former professional dominatrix with a decade of experience in sexology and power dynamics. She helps individuals and couples work out what they want, name their limits and talk about them with a partner, using the same negotiation skills she relied on as a dominatrix.

She works with clients in person in California and online worldwide. Learn more about Sylvie

Nobody really has “no limits.” How to find yours and say them out loud before anyone takes their clothes off.

A man once told me, in a dungeon negotiation, that he had no limits.

“You can do anything to me, Mistress. Anything.”

So I raised an eyebrow, as far as my Botox would permit, and said: “Fantastic. Give me a minute, I’ll go and get the chainsaw from the shed.”

He asked why. I told him that he’d said I could do anything, and I’d always wondered what it would be like to amputate somebody’s leg with a chainsaw.

Turns out he did have limits. No chainsaw for me that day.

Everyone has a chainsaw clause. The thing you’d never agree to in a million years if somebody asked you straight out. The trouble is that very rarely in life does anybody ask us what our limits are, and most of us have never sat down and worked them out for ourselves. So we agree to things one slice at a time, and by the time we notice the metaphorical bloody stump below the knee, we can’t work out who did it.

BDSM is 90% consent and sadly only 10% spanking.

People picture latex, leather and somebody barking orders. The reality is that most of what happens in a dungeon is negotiation, done before anyone touches anyone. What’s on the table. What’s off it. What are we trying to create in this hour? How will we know it’s going well, and how will we know it’s going wrong? What are the words for stopping, and who gets to say them?

Vanilla sex tends to skip all of that and run on guesswork, hoping that body language and the mood will do the talking. Sometimes they do. Often they don’t, and somebody spends the next week replaying a moment they didn’t enjoy and never mentioned.

Talking first doesn’t kill the mood. Couples who talk openly about sex tend to have better orgasms and better sex overall, and the women among them report more desire too. You don’t need a dungeon to borrow the habit. You need a sofa, a cup of tea, and nobody naked yet.

Before you talk, each of you writes three lists on your own.

Hell yes: things you love, or would like to try, with enthusiasm.
Yellow: maybes. Things that could work with conditions, slower, only if you lead, not when you’re tired, not yet.
Hell no: your red lines. Your chainsaws.

Be specific. “Nothing weird” tells your partner nothing. “I don’t want my hair pulled” tells them exactly where the edge is.

Then swap and read. Don’t argue at this stage, and don’t try to talk anyone out of a red line. Just read, ask questions, and notice where your lists overlap. That overlap is where the fun is.

While you’re writing the yes list, it helps to ask the question I ask myself every day, with my children, my friends, my partner and my clients: who is this for? Is it on your list because you want it, or because you want to be the easy, game partner who never makes a fuss? Only one of those belongs there.

And the lists aren’t permanent. Bodies change, moods change, and the thing that was a hell no at twenty-five might be a yellow at forty. Do it again every so often.

I once learned from a domme who wrote every agreement with her sub on a big whiteboard before the session even began. Half the session was the whiteboard. And once things started, nothing could be added to it. Things could only be taken off.

If spanking wasn’t on the board, it wasn’t happening, however nicely anyone asked halfway through. If it was on the board and he changed his mind, fine, off it came.

You can always negotiate down.

That rule works beautifully for couples. Agree on the menu before you start. During sex, either of you can take something off the menu at any moment, no explanation needed. Nobody adds something new in the heat of the moment. If a fresh idea pops up mid-way (and they do), save it for the next conversation, when both of you are clothed and thinking straight.

In kink, we call them buzzkills: the things that pull you straight out of the scene and switch off your arousal like a light. A particular word. Being tickled. The phone buzzing on the bedside table. A certain tone of voice.

I ask my clients what their buzzkills are, because a limit explained in advance almost never turns into an argument later.

Say yours as information rather than a complaint. “Being called that word pulls me out completely” lands very differently from “I hate it when you do that.” Your partner can’t avoid a landmine nobody told them about.

Two more questions worth asking before you begin.

How will I know when this is working for you?

How will I know when it isn’t?

In kink you have to be extremely attuned to whether something is landing, because people react in completely different ways. Some go very quiet when they’re angry. Some go quiet when they’re thinking. Some go quiet because they’ve shut down altogether. Unless you’ve asked, you’re guessing.

So agree on your signals. A word that means stop, right now, no discussion. A word that means slow down or check in. Plenty of people borrow the traffic light system: green for keep going, yellow for ease off, red for stop. Then agree on what the yeses sound like, too, because “more of that” and “don’t stop” are information as well.

The worst time to discover a limit is in the middle of crossing it. The second worst is in bed, half undressed, with one of you already turned on and the other feeling cornered.

Pick a neutral moment. A walk, a long drive, a quiet evening with a drink. Keep it curious rather than clinical, and keep it short the first time. Ten minutes and three lists is a perfectly good start.

Will you get it all right the first time? No. You’ll discover a new limit halfway through something you thought you’d love, or realise that a hell no has turned into a maybe. That’s what “you can always negotiate down” is for, and that’s why you have the conversation again.

And if anyone ever tells you they have no limits, you know what to do.

Go and get the chainsaw.

If you’d like help working out where your own lines are, book a call and we’ll start there.

Kink is mostly paperwork

Make three lists

The whiteboard rule

Name your buzzkills

How will I know it's working?

Talk about it when nobody is naked