Is your vibrator numbing you out? (Probably not)
Back in the day, when I was a journalist, my first ever editor told me that if you ever see a question in the headline, the answer is probably “no”.
That advice has almost never steered me wrong, but of course, good journalists also do their research to back up that “no”…. so this is that part!
As a sex coach, I’ve been getting this question A LOT. And by “a lot” I mean almost every few days on Instagram, facebook, email or in my consults. It typically goes something like:
“I don’t think I can have an orgasm without my vibrator anymore, I got too dependent on it, and now I’ve numbed myself out. Is it possible to train myself to get back to having Os the “acoustic” way?”
First, know that your concern is very normal.
What’s interesting is that, while it is indeed normal to experience decreased sensitivity right after using a vibrator, scientific studies (admittedly those done on people’s hands and facial lips) in which vibration was applied found that anydulling of sensitivity usually fades within an hour. The researchers conclude that this is also probably the case for genitals.
BUT even more interesting is that from a neuroscience perspective, the “numbing out” phase can trick your brain into thinking you’ve gone numb for longer (because the brain is very busy and part of its efficiency is that it doesn’t retest a hypothesis much once it is made.) Indeed, your brain is more likely to defend its first hypothesis quite aggressively because brains are very resistant to changing their, er, minds ?
The lab tested science states that only 0.05 percent of women report losing sensitivity for more than a day after using a vibrator.
Cool, cool. But how then to retrain your brain and get back to driving in manual?
One of my favorite exercises to do with clients is sensual body mapping. Typically I do this with them in-person, but COVID has made me creative and I’m actually pretty good at helping my clients pleasure map their bodies over zoom now too.
Sometimes I’ll whip out a blindfold, sometimes a riding crop or a flogger, maybe a feather, a fork from the cutlery drawer… we get creative.
The point is we get to try lots of different kinds of touch. Not only does this make the brain realize that all kinds of different sensations can fire up the body’s arousal mechanism, it also forces it to stop lazily (or efficiently) using the same pathway over and over to attain pleasure. It’s like making someone take the scenic route instead of the highway. One might be a shortcut, sure, but which one is more pleasant to drive on?
Vibrators are GREAT shortcuts on the pleasure highway. And since we live in a “productivity culture” where things that take time and effort are less valued than things that are fast and easy, it’s really no wonder that our brains LOVE vibrators. Because vibrators mean the brain has to do less work (arousing you), and still gets the reward payoff, in an incredibly “efficient” time. But sex is not a task. Pleasure is not a job to be done. A box to be ticked. (I mean…. Well, you know what I mean!)
The work I do with clients around pleasure mapping lets them sink back into their senses and teaches the nervous system and brain that there are actually a multitude of pathways to pleasure. You also learn (and this is a really cool one) that you can evenDEVELOP sensation in an area by bringing sustained practice and focus to it.
Incidentally, that’s most likely why women in their 40s and 50s tend to report more success in “finding” their Gspot. They didn’t “find” it…. They built up sensitivity over the years until it “worked” in the way we expect it to.
Also, once you figure out how you like to be pleased and touched in a variety of ways, you’ll be better able to teach others how to use those ways to please you. Because partners tend to act much in the same way as the brain…. They find a way that works and mostly stick to it. But both partners and the brain can be trained.
Want to bring more sensation to your nipples? Spend more time bringing sensation of various kinds to your nipples. Bring sustained focus to them. Be mindful of the smallest sensations. Those sensations are likely to build over time.
Find time to luxuriate in your own pleasure, 30 mins, 1 hour, 2 hours… really spoil yourself all over. Feather touch your arms, dig your nails into your scalp, grab a fistful of your own hair and pull it a little, bite your lip, squeeze your butt….slowly and sensually with no goal in mind.
Sure, you could go straight to your genitals, but you’re missing out on a lot of lovely scenery. NOTICE the sensations. What feels good, what feels GREAT, what feels “meh”, what feels annoying….. see if that’s true every day. See if it changes based on your cycle. Be your own goddamn neuroscientist!
This also makes for a really fun date night activity, by the way. And your vibrator doesn’t have to get left out… it’s another instrument in your orchestra. Use it…. When it makes sense to you.
Interested in doing more pleasure mapping or getting more ideas about the types of touch and sensations you enjoy, book a session and let’s work on it together.
Love you!
